cursedhyacinth | Musings

"When you meet a human being, the first distinction you make is male or female - and you are accustomed to make the distinction with unhesitating certainty."
--Sigmund Freud

It's not really that simple. People try to make it that simple, but there are some of us who don't fit into your little boxes. Some cultures are better than others, with more options than the male/female binary that is widespread.

I've had a few months to deal, to cope... to come to terms with this temporary change. And I have to think that it's temporary, at least right now. I'm not quite prepared to think about what it means if this has to stop being a bit of a game and starts being my life from now on.

This is me, but it's not. This is... being a stranger, but strangely familiar. I can and do forget sometimes that I've been changed... the only problem is when that forgetting happens in the middle of a fight. So I don't really have a codename anymore, unless you count "Jacinda Johnson". This Red Hood is out of commission for the time being.

I wear clothing appropriate for my new body because it's a little easier than fighting my new shape into an approximation of my old one. Maybe I will, if it does start to bother me more than it fascinates me. I'm not sure. I'm outside the binary and I have no luxury of "unhesitating certainty" anymore. Because this body, while strange in its newness, doesn't feel wrong. It feels different, and I'm not sure what that means for me.

I wear makeup because it's fun. I'm seeing if I can actually pass a girl, just for the hell of it, sometimes. We don't know how long I'm going to be like this. Why not have a little fun while I am?

It's an exploration. I'm facing questions I never thought to ask before, and the only answer I have right now is "I don't know."